Just when I thought I could continue my seemingly unstoppable series of pinko pontification and mash notes to immigrants, undocumented or otherwise, a story on the Web site for La Opinión made me want to switch sides, if only for a second.

Lou Dobbs, feel free to file this one under “We don’t want illegal aliens… and neither does Mexico.”

According to a La Opinión correspondent in Mexico City, mayors from the six Mexican states on the country’s northern border are complaining because they expect about a million people to be deported by the United States into their less-than-eager bosoms during the first six months of 2008.

The mayors, who where in Mexico City to speak with a senate committee, said their cities are not ready for the influx of so many new residents -- especially if they’re criminals.

But wait, don’t uncork the moonshine just yet, my anti-immigrant friends. The mayors aren’t saying that all undocumented immigrants are criminals because they violate the immigration laws of the United States; they’re not about to back up your position any time soon.

What they’re saying is that among the hundreds of thousands they expect to see deported at least a few of them will be into unsavory things, such as murder and rape and such (curiously, that’s what my college band was called).

Oh, and did I say a few? I meant a lot.

Juárez Mayor José Reyes Ferriz is quoted in the story pulling the following statistics out of his ass: Out of the roughly 100,000 people who are deported into Juárez every year, about 7,000 of them are “delinquents, many of them document forgers,” and around 2,000 are “killers and rapists” who “stay in the border region.”

Yikes, so much for trying to convince El Pasoans to visit Juárez. On the bright side, the story is not clear whether Reyes Ferriz means there’s an additional 2,000 killer rapists loose in the city or if they are part of the original universe of 7,000 imported criminals a year.

Anyway, Tijuana mayor Kurt Honold Morales apparently believes that if you’re not part of the solution you’re part of the problem. According to the story, earlier this week Honold Morales asked Mexican President Felipe Calderón to establish an agreement with the United States government to send deportees directly to their place of origin, or, barring that, at least tell the border cities how many people they’ve dumped in their lap.

Obviously the Tijuana mayor doesn’t have the Juárez mayor’s statistician.

It’s easy to sympathize with the Mexican mayors who don’t want their streets overrun with newly arrived evil doers. If Brian De Palma’s “Scarface” has taught us anything, it’s that Latino gangsters are all cocaine-fueled psychopaths with bad Cuban accents that nobody wants in their town. But where does that leave me as a liberal columnist and illegal alien apologist?

It’s tough, let me tell you. If only I could figure out what’s going on …

What could be compelling these mayors to say criminal immigrants are a problem? What would take them to their nation’s capital to complain about how these people are a drain on their city’s resources? What reason could these keepers of the public trust possibly have, that would force them to make such incendiary statements?

Ah yes, money. If the above paragraph sounds familiar to you it may be because you have heard similar arguments from government officials of this side of the border. Be it Nashville, Tenn., or Tijuana, Baja California; Texas sheriffs or Mexican mayors. It all comes down to cash.

The mayors were in Mexico City to ask for money. Money that I’m sure would be put to good use, I mean, it’s not as if there’s a problem with corruption in … wait, let’s start again.

The mayors were in Mexico City to ask for money. Money that they said was needed for a growing population in cities with inadequate infrastructures and no real government-funded programs in place to handle deported immigrants.

There really is no problem with agencies or local governments asking for more funding. God knows it seems there’s always enough money to throw at everything else (except, of course, at things that could maybe make people’s lives better), so why not get a little taste of that?

It all goes wrong when these guys try to justify their needs, real or imagined, through fear. In this case, fear of the foreigner. Border sheriffs claim they need more money to keep the wave of crime that drowns Mexico from engulfing our fair cities and the Mexican mayors unwittingly back them up.

I say unwittingly because the thought that they’re working together would be too ironic to bear.

One could say that either they’re all telling the truth and the border is, in the words of the Juarez mayor, “a pressure cooker ready to explode,” or that they are all out for the quick buck. You tell me, but as always, the truth lies somewhere in between.

At the mayors’ meeting in Mexico City, a man with a more optimistic disposition was Marco Antonio Martínez, mayor of Nogales, Sonora. He is quoted in the story saying border communities could benefit from having undocumented immigrants become legal workers.

Martínez said he believes immigrants could work legally in the United States while their families lived close to the border. This would allow families to spend less time apart, give the United States a needed labor force, and help Mexico grow and prosper …

Is this guy for real? Is he suggesting some mutually beneficial legislation produced in a spirit of cooperation and clear-headed reasoning?

I don’t know what you’re thinking but I know what a lot of his fellow politicians would say to that: Just give that guy some money and get him out of here. He’s holding up the line.

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Reader Mail

Tara923 writes:
People that enter this country illegally are BREAKING THE LAW. And be aware, Americans are getting sick and tired of being criticized by illegal immigration advocates, such as yourself, who spew their own despicable brand of racism. Are you aware, young children in Mexico are taught to hate Americans? Why would anyone want people in their country who hate them?
I believe some of the worse racists in this country are HISPANICS, legal and illegal. Their groups-La Raza, MALDEF and MECHA are simply Hispanic KKK.
Racism is everywhere and not just White America. You need to re-read some of your columns, they are filled with stupid racist comments.

I would write:
Dear ignorant cracker...

But I’m not going to because that joke is too easy. I would not consider myself an illegal immigration advocate because I agree that people who are in the country illegally ARE breaking the law. Do we need border security? Yes. Does the United States need immigrants? Yes. Does the United States need an easily exploitable underclass? No.

Until the federal government does the right thing and approaches the issue of illegal immigration in a cool and rational manner, it will continue to be the problem that never goes away and that is trotted out by politicians and political organizations -- on the left and right -- for immediate gain without a care for a long-term solution.

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Calypso_767 submitted a lovely poem by Russ Vaughn that I will not reproduce here, but Google Mr. Vaughn and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. My favorite poem of his is “Liberals love America like O.J. loved Nicole,” which I am sure I will include in my Christmas newsletter. Although, to be accurate, I call it There is No God and All Your Gifts are Donations to Adopt-an-Animal Charities Day, instead of Christmas.