December 8, 2007
Dear Republican Candidate,
Thank you for your recent interest in retaining our services, unfortunately we will not be able to take you on as a client at this time as we have a reputation to protect here at Voto Latino Consulting Services and Taqueria, Inc.
Personally I would have no trouble taking your money, but my more militant brothers and sister on the board of directors think otherwise. The vote was actually a tie, but when we took it to our parents (el CEO y la CFO, respectively) they sided against you. In the spirit of good faith, though, I have decided to offer you some free advice.
I assume you contacted us after you saw the latest Pew Hispanic Center survey that shows the gains the Republican Party had made among Hispanics this decade have evaporated in the past year. Granted, they were not big gains, but seeing as how Latinos make up a sizeable voting block in some key swing states, well, I understand why you’re worried.
The last straw for me occurred during the previous debate, when Tom Tancredo promised to check the work permits of everyone working at the Motel 6 where he had set up his campaign headquarters and mail order moonshine business. As one of my cousins told me, if you’re already working at Motel 6 you frankly don’t need the tsuris.
Seriously though, in the mad dash to become the presidential nominee you guys have tried so hard to appeal to your base that you have successfully alienated (illegally alienated?) Hispanic voters.
What this says about the party’s base, or at least what the candidates believe about their core voters, is something I won’t spell out, but I will say that I don’t think being a conservative means you hate immigrants. It just means you hate paying for them when it comes to social services and love underpaying them when it’s time to cook your dinner, mow your lawn, or take care of your children.
But I’m being unfair and getting off track. The point of this letter is to offer you advice, so let me get on with it. Follow these simple steps and soon you will gain at least a mild advantage among Mexicans, Peruvians, and Colombians; a quick jump in your poll numbers among Ecuadorians; and a steady decline among Cubans and Puerto Ricans.
Copy the Democrats
Or at least copy their vague musings on “comprehensive immigration reform.” When pressed by some NPR commie for specifics, say it would FIRST and MOST IMPORTANTLY involve securing our borders … and then try to work something out for work permits and look for a way to penalize/legalize the millions here illegally -- but NO amnesty. And don’t worry, there won’t be a follow up question that will call you on how you would penalize/legalize 12 million people and not call it an amnesty.
Don’t Stand Too Close to Tancredo
Much like deadly nuclear waste and a lot like regular old waste, Tom Tancredo’s Anti Immigrant Crazy Waves, or AICW, can taint your candidacy by simple proximity. Always be nice to the organization hosting the debate and make sure they place you as far away from the Colorado congressman as possible. If it’s CNN, slip Wolf Blitzer a ten spot; if it’s Fox News, sign your soul away to News Corp. If they still insist on putting you next to an unviable candidate make sure it’s Ron Paul.
Pretend You’re Catholic
Most Hispanics are Catholic, many of the lax variety, and they still appreciate a good bit of guilt every once in a while. This suggestion will be easy to implement and will dovetail nicely with your conservative base.
Abortion? Murder.
Gays? Degenerates, no matter how hilariously they’re portrayed in sketch shows on Univision or how talented Alejandro Fernandez is.
Premarital sex? Dirty. Hot and dirty. Maybe a little nasty if you’re lucky.
Remember not to overdo it. A little religious intolerance goes a long way, but nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! (Getting the Monty Python reference won’t score points with Hispanics, Mr. Kucinich; in fact, you're a Democrat, so you shouldn’t even be reading this letter).
No Adjectives Please
During the CNN/YouTube debate exchange where Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani were competing to see who was less of an immigrant-loving nancy boy, Romney said: “If you hear someone with a funny accent, you, as a homeowner, are supposed to go out there and say, ‘I want to see your papers.’ Is that what you’re suggesting?”
Wait, did he just say “funny” accent? Man, don’t get my cousin Tomás DeVito started. I expect a future exchange between him and Romney to go a little something like this:
Tomás DeVito: What do you mean my accent’s funny?
Mitt Romney: It’s funny, you know. It’s a funny accent, it’s funny, like different.
Tomás: What do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?
Mitt: It’s just, you know. It’s just funny, it’s... funny, the way you say words like “S-cream” or “Thank jew” and everything.
Tomás: Funny how? What’s funny about it? Funny how?
Mitt: Jus...
Tomás: What?
Mitt: Just... ya know... it’s funny.
Tomás: You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little f-d up maybe, but my accent’s funny how, I mean funny like a clown, we amuse you? We make you laugh, we’re here to f-in’ amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How is it funny? You said our accent’s funny. How the f-- is it funny, what the f-- is so funny about it? Tell me, tell me what’s funny! Tell – argh!
(Tomás is tazered by the secret service)
As you can see, my cousin is an angry man -- not very original, but definitely angry -- and you don’t want him on your case. So skip the adjectives when describing Hispanics and their accents unless the words are “sexy” or “Banderas-like.”
Ignore Them and Maybe They Will Go Away
This one will result in more of a pyrrhic victory as you align yourself philosophically with many Hispanics. You see, there’s truth to the idea that a lot of us believe in Aristotle’s theory that if you stick your head in the sand and ignore what’s going on it can’t hurt you (or was it Plato who said it, I always forget).
So take a page from the abuelita playbook and pretend there’s nothing wrong, you are invincible and by not acknowledging the problem it will probably go away. Keep eating those donuts while your blood sugar rises. Keep burning your bridges with Hispanics by saying their language is a menace, that they should be denied citizenship if their parents are undocumented, and that they only bring crime and are a drain on government resources.
Alas, Hispanics aren’t going away, and denying your party’s position is untenable. But at least you’ll have a great time pretending, just ask my grandmother … as soon as she wakes up from her diabetic coma. Which my mom pretends will be any day now.