Patricia,
I need advice!! I'm 23 and involved with a man that is 32. So, this seems pretty typical. The young woman, with the older man... I know. The thing is, I say involved because we are not boyfriend/girlfriend nor have we labeled it "dating each other." I met him around this time last year. We actually went on our first date until the beginning of January (and yes, we did call that date a "date"). I though he really liked me. I knew I really liked him. We still continue seeing each other. However, I'm to the point in which I think I am actually falling in love with him. Unfortunately, I don't think he feels the same way. After the first couple of "dates" we began being intimate with each other. From then on, every time we see each other that's usually what it leads to. He's very confusing. He talks and asks me what it would be like if we were in a relationship. Every time he does that, i feel that he is thinking about making us official. Then suddenly he doesn't call, text, or emails me for days. We typically communicate about two to three times a week, and see each other once a week to maybe once every two to three weeks. Don't get me wrong, aside from this dilemma he is the most wonderful, generous, caring man I've met. He's wonderful with the kids he works with and with kids in general, which makes me think he might actually want to start a family. But i just don't understand what is holding him back from being with me. When we're together, he always tells me how much he misses me, how much he cares for me, and how fortunate he thinks he is that I am still with him despite the fact that we are not in a "relationship". I don't know if I'm simply wasting my time with him. I really care for him, but part of me will not allow me to tell him so because i'm afraid. More than likely its my inexperience speaking for me, but I don't know what to do.
Help,
Anonymous
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Oh my, Anonymouse, (no, that is not a typo and not as mean spirited as it sounds. . allow me to explain.
I think you are dating a man who is either married already, or in a relationship. He knows what a relationship is because he knows enough to recognize that you and he are not in one and apparently has told you as much. So let’s figure out what to call what you are doing with him before we figure out if you are wasting your time.
You say you had a couple of “dates” before you became intimate. No, what you had was a couple of “meetings that you are now calling dates so you won’t feel bad about being intimate with him every time you saw him after that.” That’s okay, girlfriend, we’ve all been there.
So what is a date?
Well, did he call and ask if you would like to see a movie, play, or a meal on a non-disposable plate in a well regarded restaurant where he might see people he knows with him? Or did you meet at someone’s apartment, watch a little TV and then get intimate? The former is a date, the latter is him getting the milk for free. Ask your mom if you don’t get the reference.
You might think I’m bashing you, but I assure you, I’m not. I’m bashing him, I just wish it was with a 2x4. He has turned you into an Anonymouse, instead of the bright, shiny young thing I’m sure you are. And yes, you are inexperienced. Thank goodness! You’re 23 for heaven’s sake. He is not. He is a 32-year old experienced rat.
Are you wasting your time? Yes, you are. You have already given this guy a year out of your life and intimacy with you that he doesn’t deserve. You wrote the letter, you asked the questions. Those are sure signs you already have not only a seed of doubt, but an entire orchard growing in your mind about this guy. It’s time you pulled up your big girl panties, no pun intended, and dumped this loser. Let me know how it turns out.
Tricia
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Patricia Martinez is the co-host Mike in the Morning Show, 93.1 KISS FM. If you are looking for some love advice from Patricia, please send an email to info@epmediagroup.com with Love in the subject line.
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Archives:
What’s love got to do with it? Reverse dodgeball and first dates.
by Patricia Martinez
In the coming columns, I'll tell you my stories and I hope you tell me yours. Because that's what a relationship is all about. And relationships are what this column is all about.
Posted on October 22, 2008
What’s love got to do with it? Demanding lounge lizards on the rise
This lounge lizard had told her that the only way he and his compadres would "bother to talk to them" -- she bunny eared the phrase in the air with her beautifully manicured hands -- was if they were "gainfully employed."
Posted on October 30, 2008
What's love got to do with it? Let him go!
Kelly watched in horror and Jane in silent fury as John gently rested his hand on the curve of the date's lower back. They watched her giggle at his jokes, watched them ignore the menu and send the waitress away three times before finally concentrating on ordering -- you get the picture.
Posted on November 6, 2008
David K
November 13, 2008
Dear Anonymous,
You're 23 and in love with a father figure you never had growing up. He's 32 and sharing pics of you naked with his friends via unsecure internet sites.
Rule #1 - Never date a man that is 10 years your senior if you are under 40. Men do not mature until the age of about 83. By 50 they might actually treat you with a little respect.
David
November 13, 2008
Dear Anonymous:
Have you heard the saying...."Why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free...."
MR CK
November 13, 2008
Dear Anonymous
I realize it is hard to find your perfect mate or soul mate. My suggestion is cut your losses TODAY. If there is one thing I would be looking for as a woman, it would be Honesty. Integrity has everything to do with the success of a relationship. Your "date" is only honest in that he does not call you his girlfriend. He does not introduce you to his friends, much less, his family. Regroup, rethink, and look for honest guys. The players are just that....players. Use the same type of planning and resources to find your ideal love as you would finding your ideal job. Good luck! CK
Suzanne Fabian
November 13, 2008
Dear Anonymous,
From one woman to another- all the above words of advice are good. "Bad" guys do not come with labels- sometimes they are the cutest, some are the most charismatic and can make us laugh and make us feel extra special that they picked us. It takes real discipline and bad experiences sometimes to learn that we also are the one that picks- we DO have a choice and the right to turn away when things don't feel right. Hearing and heeding your gut instinct is a great start- you can almost never go wrong. Seeing the red flags is another way to look at it. Is he too persistent to get you into bed too fast? Does he not introduce you to friends and family or take you out much? Etc. Someone that is interested in you and your well-being won't be able to hold it back very well. Another word of advice- as liberated as we women think we are- it is not in our best interest to sleep with a guy too soon. Something happens to our brain and heart when we slip off the clothes- we become emotionally attached. It's inevitable. We are romantic and nurturers, even if we try and convince ourselves it's "just sex". Men tend to be less emotionally involved when it comes to sex, tho they know all the right words and key phrases to keep you coming back for more- the little devils!!! More stuff you might not want to hear, especially being so young- DON'T sleep with someone the first 3-6 months at least- if not longer. Become friends first- it's a GREAT foundation. Any relationship I have ever had that was NOT based on friendship (and respect) but based on some pretty powerful sexual attraction never ever lasted- AND they were hard to let go of because well... the sex was great- lol! But it wasn't enough. These are things I wish we didn't have to learn the hard way, but most of us do- hopefully sooner than later.
anudderview
November 14, 2008
23, think about what you wrote - with a little deconstruction.
"...23 and involved with a man that is 32. So, this seems pretty typical. The young woman, with the older man...."
You're only 9 years apart...seems like a lot to you but it really isn't...the 'older man/younger woman' thing barely begins with 10 yrs. difference. Nothing out of the ordinary in that respect - irrelevant to this situation.
"...nor have we labeled it 'dating each other.'"
According to Ms. Manners, a date is any arrangement you make to meet someone (at a certain time and place of course) that involves varying proportions of entertainment, food, and romantic affection. Only if any one of these is omitted it is not a "date." You've BEEN dating him, except for the times you both just "hooked up." (That's a different definition.)
"We actually went on our first date until the beginning of January ..."
You dated UNTIL January? (that's a long date) or did you really mean "We actually went on our first date NOT until January..." ? (Sorry, cheap shot.)
"He talks and asks me what it would be like if we were in a relationship."
Some news for you: you ARE in a relationship, even if not the type of relationship you want. It's like the ones generally called having a F- - - Buddy. If this guy IS married like it's being hinted at, you can bet his wife will be calling what you and he have a "relationship," especially in court.
"...he is thinking about making us official."
This mindset betrays that you KNOW he has made no commitment to you, neither emotionally or socially. So why don't YOU make it "official" (which I presume means making it a matter of public knowledge). Call HIM your boyfriend, lover, significant other...etc. to the public at large and watch him deny it. That will tell you what you already know. It'll be like pulling that loose tooth when you were little.
"...don't understand what is holding him back from being with me."
He's not WITH you?? Au contraire! But again, he is, for certain things. But then really, what does that mean? Even a lot of married couples are not "with" each other, about 50%, judging by the divorce rate. You want his soul to be mated with yours, and he's telling you it ISN'T.
"...he always tells me how much he misses me..."
Even St. Augustine writes that he felt like chunks of his flesh were being torn out when he finally got the gumption up to dump his illicit lover...read about it in his CONFESSIONS.
"...how fortunate he thinks he is that I am still with him despite the fact that we are not in a 'relationship'."
Same issue: You and he seem to put great stock in this idea of being WITH each other in an OFFICIAL type RELATIONSHIP. These things are all "de facto," not owing their existence to theoretical notions or pronouncements, (i.e. "de jure"). Everyone should THINK about these things in the spirit, BEFORE they jump into them in the flesh. It's what you DO that defines your life, not what you imagine or wish would happen. Therefore try living your life more EXISTENTIALLY. I recommend you read a little Sartre.
As Jackie Treehorn said, "The brain is the most powerful erogenous zone." Good luck to you.
la loca
November 16, 2008
I agree with Patricia's general assessment of the situation. Yet, I would like to also reference the school of “Sex and the City” and add that this is a typical “he’s not that into you” situation (read “He’s Just Not Into You by Behrendt and Tucillo if the following explanation doesn’t cause you to dump the guy). Sometimes you date a guy and you think he’s perfect, everything you ever wanted in a man, and you secretly start to test how your last name will sound if you hyphenate it with his... This is the moment when you must stop and ask yourself, “is he into me as much as I’m into him?” If you are past the third date/hook up/etc. and the answer is a wide-eyed and optimistic “he will someday”, run, don’t walk away! He’s taking advantage of your hopeful nature and doesn’t have the huevos to tell you that he never intends to get serious about you, let alone marry you and be nice to your kids.
Men are an interesting creature that rarely learns to love someone after a long and drawn out courtship. I’ve seen many a woman do this, but rarely do I see a man date or marry a woman after weighing all his pros and cons in a ten page report. He either thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to him, or he keeps you as insurance until one day Angelina Jolie steps into his life and convinces him to dump you and adopt six kids. But I digress.
You and every woman deserves to have someone who doesn’t think twice to commit to you when the conversation comes up and proudly calls you his girlfriend to his friends, family, and poker buddies.
You must use your hopeful nature to believe that one day you will find this person who is really, truly out there and is waiting for you outside the confines of your bedroom. It is a much better use of your time and energy than spending hours deconstructing every word he said in bed last night before he got up, scratched his huevos, and went on with his life without you.
kate
May 5, 2009
I had similar problem with my husband. I mummied him too much and in the end our marriage almost fell apart and to save it we needed to go to the psychologist. He worked with us several months and really helped. Afterwards he recommended a good book which might be useful to all married couples who live through some difficulties in relations - http://file.sh/Learn+how+to+Stop+Your+Marriage+From+Falling+apart+torrent.html