Open Letter to Rachel Quintana
by David Karlsruher
Posted on August 7, 2008
Hello, it's been a long time. I didn't receive a birthday card from you this year … I guess the mailman lost it. They've never been as good as the folks at FedEx in my opinion.
I heard the Mayor called you a "fool."
You are no fool. An alleged forger of signatures? You bet. A big fan of Sun Metro? Guilty as charged. But not a fool.
You called Barbara Perez's talk show to set the record straight and I thought that that was great. Barbara is a wonderful source of wisdom and can tell you about getting lobbying gigs after you leave office. You did indicate on the show that you felt that the Mayor did not apologize to you. I'm going to ask you to be patient with that. The mayor does these things on his own and at his own pace. I happen to know for a fact that he was seen earlier today strumming his guitar and working out an apology song to the melody of "This land is your land." My spy said he heard:
"This agenda item is myyyy agenda item"
"This agenda item is yoouurrr agenda item"
I'm sure it's going to be a helluva good little ditty. You'll be all smiles in no time.
I asked Eddie and Melina if they felt inclined to come to your aid and they both said "no." Don't take it personally, they say that to everything.
I know you must be very worried about what your voters must be thinking. Don't worry, I went to all nine of the voter's houses in your district and picked up their newspapers before they awoke this morning. You might be asking yourself, "I thought there were 10 voters in my district?" There were. Jimmy Suerken moved out of the district … which is good because it saves you the awkward task of knocking on his door and asking him for his vote next election.
Let me stop wasting your precious time and get to the point. I know you have things to do (read: run off another assistant).
You beat a fully funded Ivy Leaguer without much money while not attending a single event other than your swearing in. That was impressive. In the past week you've actually started doing a little press and coming out of your shell. You were called a "fool" by the nicest guy in politics. You made Santa Claus into a demon over night. You've got something special.
Here's what I propose.
You and I team up and run for mayor. I see it this way. We are both pretty lucky. You haven't been recalled and nobody has hit me with their car yet. We're "lightning in the bottle" as the webmaster of the Barrio, Joe Villescas would say.
With my bullshit and your rapport with the media we could ride this wave untouched all the way to the big office on the tenth floor. Just think of the advantages of being in charge! They won't have Rachel Quintana to kick around anymore.
I've been so inspired by your time in office, I came up with a slogan that I think fits your style – "Such a good Mayor, you won't even know I'm here."
You wouldn't happen to have a spouse who owns a centrally located building that could house our campaign offices, would you? That could be lucrative.
You let me know when you are ready to commit to a campaign for mayor and we'll disappear until election night where we will claim victory.
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