Dear Money Bags,
Boy, am I glad to see you in a giving mood! I myself need a bail out.
After reading about Fannie, Freddie and AIG and their "mistakes," I realized that I'm not all that different from them. I've made some bad bets and some risky investments and frankly, they haven't worked out.
Consider this my official request for a cash bail out. I promise I won't ever do the things I did to get into this position again.
Just like those big companies showed you their mistakes; I'm willing to show you mine.
I guess the first time I made a poor investment was that last couple of years in college. I pissed away my parent's money in school so they decided that I might need to pay for it on my own. Instead of getting a low interest, pay when you finish school loan to pay for classes, I put it all on a credit card. That $4,000 bucks is still owed and I forgot long ago everything I learned in college.
Then there was the barbeques during college football season when I was living in Virginia. Just about every Saturday I'd go to the grocery store and put all the food on my credit card expecting my guests to pay their part when they arrived. Well, we got to drinking and somehow I'd forget to ask for the money – every time. Four years of that added up to about $1,000. Who knew that putting things on your credit card that your body only temporarily used was a bad idea.
My generosity didn't end there. Las Vegas is a place you can lose your wife, fortune and your dignity. I still have my wife. I thought the guys would all be happy to pay me back when I paid for "bottle service" at a nice club for one of the guy's bachelor party. We'll call that $1,500 and leave it at that.
Back in 2005 I was sure my bonus was going to be huge. After all, the chatty secretary down the hall told me so. It was a no-brainer then to take advantage of that off-season package deal to St. Lucia right then. Turns out she was wrong. That one stung a little bit at $4,500.
Last minute Christmas shopping can hurt. Purchasing those diamond earrings on Christmas Eve was something out of a credit card commercial. It was really something when her eyes lit up and she said, "you didn't have to." Well, I shouldn't have. That's $1,200 I've been chipping away at for a few years now.
I won't put in all the meals, sports tickets and other miscellaneous things that put me into debt as well. I'll take care of that because it would be rude to ask you to cover those really bad decisions of mine. Let's have some honor among thieves if we can.
So I made a few mistakes. Why should I have to suffer for some minor discretions? Like the aforementioned companies I simply made some bad bets – it happens all the time.
My total bail out bill comes to $12,200.00. I'm sure it won't be a problem for you guys seeing as how you just forked over $85 billion to AIG so they could continue doing whatever it is they don't do very well.
In the time it took me to write this letter that $85 billion probably accrued at least $20,000 in interest. Just cut me in on that.
I'd prefer we not make this a big deal. I don't need my name on the front page of CNN or anything like that, just a check with a note wishing me luck in the future.
If you'd rather deal with my creditors directly you can call Visa, Master Card and American Express and just give them my name – they'll tell you how much to send. It would be great if you could get me, or them, the check before the 15th of next month because I don't want to pay the minimums on the cards one more time if I don't have to. I'd also like to cash in all my airline and hotel points as soon as possible seeing as how the flight and hotels packages to Vegas are going up as we get closer to March Madness.
If you find yourselves in the El Paso this weekend I'll be cooking out at my house. I'll take care of the food, you bring the beer.
I thank you very much for your generosity. By helping me out you show that all Americans have an equal opportunity to lean on the government when times get hard.
Love
David Karlsruher
