To Whom It May Concern:

Since Senator Shapleigh announced last week that we will not have him to kick around anymore there’s a huge void to fill in El Paso politics. This is my letter instructing you on how to make sure you can best be like him since we’re going to miss him so much.

I don’t have to tell you that El Paso breeds a certain kind of politician. Egotistical, stubborn, confrontational and out of touch tend to be the basic traits of an El Paso representative. We expect nothing less out of Shapleigh’s replacement.

In order to be successful in emulating our illustrious Senator, there are a few things you’re going to have to do like he did.

First of all, you’re going to have spit out press releases like it’s a contest with the White House. Four or five a day isn’t going to cut it if you want to be on par with Shapleigh. Before there was Facebook and Twitter, there were Shapleigh’s press releases. Any and everything he did would eventually jump out of a fax machine or end up as attachment in your email. And believe me, he did a lot of things every day that ended up in a press release.

When not writing press releases, you’ll need to be taking credit for just about anything and everything that happens within a 100 mile radius so that you can later create a press release on it. Shapleigh turned podium hogging into an art form during his years as our senator. Hardly any event honoring a person, building or exhibit would go by that he couldn’t find a way to take credit for it. If you ever wanted to meet Senator Shapleigh all you needed was a podium, a crowd, a big red ribbon and a pair of huge scissors – he’d be there with bells on every single time.

Being the genius that he was, Shapleigh even invented his own achievement award that allowed him access to the events and people he couldn’t get to by conventional means. If you were the hot ticket and he couldn’t find a way to own your success, he’d just give you his “Adelante Con Ganas” award. For those you of who don’t know what “Adelante Con Ganas” means, I’ll translate. It’s Spanish for “smile you’re getting your picture taken with Senator Shapleigh.” The brilliant scheme worked for years. You received an award for your effort and he took the credit. Everybody went home happy.

Another key to being Senator Shapleigh is to have that one issue that you will not let go of no matter how unpopular it is. For years Shapleigh tried to sell people from Nacogdoches to Anthony on a state income tax. Most of the time he found that issue to be about as popular as David Duke at a taping of Soul Train. That never deterred him. I liken his income tax speech to Strom Thurmond whipping out an iron at a NOW meeting.

And don’t forget that you must spend your entire printing budget mailing out binder-sized books featuring your recap of the previous legislative session. Having received this novel in the past I can tell that you it contains profoundly useless information, but looks rather impressive when waved around on a stage in front of prospective voters. It would be a pity for our next state senator to deny constituents the honor of receiving one of these colossal wastes of money and environmental resources – don’t let them down if you’re elected. More importantly, don’t let me down – I need this kind of stuff to write about.

Most importantly you need to have that charisma and charm that only a gringo speaking Spanish can exude. There’s nothing like learning a foreign language and then using it to fool people into thinking you are one of them. In this case, I don’t think anyone was fooled, but it has always been fun for the crowds. I think Spanish speakers think it’s cute when we gringos start spouting off in Spanish like it’s the language we use to tell our wife to “please pass the sushi” at dinner. No matter what, capturing this part of Shapleigh’s legacy will be the hardest, especially if you are already Hispanic.

We’ve spent more than a decade enjoying Senator Shapleigh’s reign as the “conscience of the senate” and our representative. His shoes will be hard to fill, but this guide should get you on your way. Heaven knows if you stray off the beaten path I’ll be here to write you a letter to let you know about it. No reason to thank me now, it’s just something I do out of the kindness of my heart.

Good luck to you all and may the best Shapleigh impersonator win.

Love,

David Karlsruher